It starts and ends with barbecue
Barbecue season is upon us!
Last weekend, at a friend’s barbecue, his dad asked me a question about stability.
“Since you’ve moved a few times,” He asked, “do you ever feel like you are torn between different worlds?”
The answer was half-way out of my mouth before he finished asking his question.
For years, I have longed for stability. Growing up, I moved quite a bit - between cities, countries, schools, church communities and friendship circles. My father, mother and two siblings were the only constant people in my life. As a result, I never put too much pressure or emphasis on any relationship or friendship. I was used to and fine with losing relationships, friendships and communities at any given time - but deep down, I wanted to experience true stability.
The Shawshank Redemption is one of the greatest movies of all time. It is acclaimed for its exploration of themes like crime, justice, redemption, hope and integrity. To me, that movie is a story about friendship - particularly, the quality of true friendship in dire times. The story follows two unlikely characters - Andy Dufresne and Ellis "Red" Redding - from different backgrounds, races and circumstances who, while in prison, develop a bond built on love, respect, sincerity, affirmation, generosity and solidarity. Although fictional, the relationship between Andy and Red is a benchmark for how we ought to live with each other.
In some ways, your community determines the trajectory of your life. If you agree that the content and information you consume influences your thinking patterns then you should understand the impact the people around you have on your way of life. The more time you spend in unhealthy relationships and environments, the sicker you become.
Even so, relationships are a two-way street. In his book, Beartown, Fredrik Backman defines community as “the sum total of our [individual] choices.” Every community member has a choice. Cumulatively, our choices determine the strength and value of our community. You have a role to play in ensuring that your friends and community members are loved and growing. You have to be the friend you want to have to the friends you have. You have to be intentional with your relationships, friendships and community. Being intentional is a choice.
In your highs, you need a community that genuinely celebrates you and cautions you so don’t go overboard. In your lows, you need a community that strengthens and empowers you. Likewise, your community members needs you to do the same for them. This is what breeds stability. Stability has nothing to do with time or distance - it is about the quality of the relationship.
“Yes, of course! I have felt torn between different worlds,” I replied, “but right now, this is the most stable I have ever felt.”
After more than two decades, I can finally say that I have found stability - or its likeness. More than anytime before, I cherish and understand the essence of my community. I know the role my community plays in my life and the role I play within it. My wife, family, friends, city and you have given me a semblance of stability - and I hope I can be intentional with the community I am blessed with.
That said, if you are a writer - or working towards being one - I’m inviting you to join me on August 8th at 8 a.m. (PST) for a conversation about writing and community. It doesn’t matter what kind of writer you are or how long you’ve been writing. I don’t need a lot of people to join in. This isn’t about numbers. This is about sharing and learning from each other in dire times. If you are interested, click here to join the conversation.
Whether you join or not, I truly appreciate you. Thank you for being a part of my community.
Maybe someday, we can gather in person and have conversations over a barbecue.