when do you ask for help?

When I was in Grade eight (or Junior Secondary School two as the Nigerian Ministry of Education calls it), I thought I was a stellar student.

I enjoyed the classes, had good grades, participated in extracurricular activities, like the debate club, inter-school academic competitions, and intra-school sporting events (100m dash and relay races).

I thought that was all I needed to be a well-rounded student until my mother received some feedback about my overall performance at school from my teacher.

It wasn’t entirely negative feedback, but one particular comment stuck with me. I don’t remember verbatim, but it was something about Tobi “not speaking up in class to ask for help because he doesn’t think he needs it.”

I never quite understood what she meant by that.

Why would I ask for help if I don’t need it? I dislike being the center of any attention, so why would I put myself in that position if there are alternative solutions? Besides, so many other students could use my teacher’s help, so why should I add to her workload if it’s not an emergency?

I wondered about this back then, and in some ways, I still do.

Recently, a friend offered to help. She asked if there was anything I needed help with.

I looked around me and thought to myself, “Well, I’m not in any kind of emergency. And nothing is going on at the moment that I can’t figure out myself. Plus, this friend’s been helpful in many other ways; why bother her?”

I said no. And almost immediately, my wife stopped me in my tracks and pointed out one way that my friend could be helpful—something that I didn’t know I needed help with yet.

And it wasn’t until the help came that I realized how necessary, useful, and timely it was. So, it got me thinking about myself in Grade eight—how much I’ve changed and how I haven’t changed.

I wonder if there’s a part of me that doesn’t quite understand what help really means.

I always thought that help is most needed when the situation is dire or almost dire. I try to avoid being a burden, or a semblance of a burden, to anyone unless I absolutely need to be. Plus, I’m a big proponent of reflecting inwards first before inviting others into a situation—many call that being self-aware.

Don’t get me wrong: I have no problem asking for help; I’m just unsure about when to ask for it.

Chances are you feel this way too, sometimes. But I hope, with time, we both learn where and when to draw the line between dealing with situations on our own and asking for help.

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